I have been successful at many things in my life, but I have also been extremely successful at getting my heart broken, which is not brag-worthy, but total #facts. Unfortunately, I know I am not the only person out here who is trying to learn the best ways to overcome a broken heart.
For me, breakups have always been a source of grief. When any relationship ends; be it a friend or lover, I feel like I am mourning a loss. Many times in the past, my emotions were so uncomfortable that “feeling my feelings,” was not an option and I had to distract myself in order to not feel the crushing weight of my discomfort and pain. I applaud those who can just, “feel their feelings,” because that is not easy.
The online advice to overcome a broken heart is largely the same everywhere I looked, just recycled psychologist recommended tips. I am a psych major in grad school and I am not saying it isn’t great advice, but it simply hasn’t worked for me. While, “feel your feelings,” “exercise,” or, “find a hobby,” sounds great, they aren’t a one size fits all repair to overcome a broken heart.
My personal broken heart remedies of the past were more like Xanax, sad music, chocolate ice cream, depression for weeks, and complete isolation (which I do not recommend because it was utterly miserable). Oh, and I also try to fix the relationship. I have a knack for picking the avoidant dismissive people who are unabashedly capable of running from any uncomfortable conversations, feelings, or intimacy, so fixing is usually a waste of my time and energy (insert face to palm emoji).
Recently, I discovered some new ways to overcome a broken heart, since I recently went through a breakup (almost a month ago), I have been trying new ways to overcome the broken heart torture. For me, the initial feelings are breathtaking, but I didn’t sit in my misery and grief, I started taking massive action to heal. Here are some of my personal tips for anyone who is trying to overcome a broken heart right now and need something new to try.
10 Unique Tips to Overcome a Broken Heart
Quick Message to my fellow broken hearted readers
I want to start out by acknowledging the fact that you are reading this and the personal strength it takes to do that. If you are reading this, it could mean you are either going through a breakup, know someone who is, or you know it’s coming; and, for that, I am sending you a digital hug.
We will get through this!
A few weeks ago, the man I loved, walked out of my life after a period of miserable stress for both of us. I was crushed, and I initially did everything I could to get him back, despite how independent and confident I am. I tried to convince him he was making a mistake (*I only felt shameful doing this*).
On my quest to overcome a broken heart (round *I lost count at this point*), there is this miserable concept of releasing the pain with a “Big UGLY Cry.” Well I did that way more than once, and it is super embarrassing to actually admit, but like I tell myself and I am about to tell you; to overcome a broken heart will be a challenge and you will survive.
Since I have had to overcome a broken heart more times than I care to admit, I recognize the initial reactions I personally have to a breakup. It usually begins with feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, and anguish; followed by a long period of torment in which I try to convince myself that he has already found someone new so I can hate him and allow myself to get over it.
Breakups and learning to overcome a broken heart is one of the worst experiences in life for many of us for reasons that we either know or don’t know at all. To that point, here are the 10 things I did to overcome a broken heart and let go.
1 – The ULTIMATE List
When we go through a breakup, often the hardest part to untangle is the future plans we were making with our partners. These are the reasons I personally find myself trying to fix a broken relationship and often I end up looking like I have no self-confidence or dignity. The reality is, I have self-confidence and dignity, but I also believe that family is the most important reason we try rather than leave, a point my parents instilled in me from a young age.
I decided this time around that I wanted to start rebuilding my self-esteem and refocusing my attention on what I really want out of a relationship, instead of finding myself in the same situations over and over again. This time, I chose to write a list. Not just any list … I wrote an ULTIMATE list.
This list was a collection of all the things I wanted to believe about myself, my life, and the experiences I would have moving forward. I wrote 900+ positive affirmations to interrupt the constant internal defeat story that was replaying in my mind.
I still add to this list every day since he left, especially in the moments when I feel like the sadness or defeat is suffocating me. Oddly, it has given me a lot of reasons to want to improve myself. I also put in positive affirmations for him, which has helped me find compassion for him even though I still feel sad.
2 – Look Into Psych-K®
In 2019, I met a girl who introduced me to Psych-K®. I remember being super skeptical at first, and I also remember thinking, “I will not spend money on something like this.” Luckily, we bartered our services because Psych-K® was (and still is) the best dang thing to ever come into my life. If you are working on the ULTIMATE List, Psych-K® is a method of believing the items on the ULTIMATE List and bringing them into our reality.
Remember: We are always Healing!
The way Psych-K® works is that it allows you to shift your beliefs quickly and effectively doing what’s called a balance (a.k.a. a process). It connects the three parts of your mind; the conscious, subconscious, and superconscious, in order to align your subconscious and conscious awareness with a belief that will set you free from anything that is holding you back. The originator of Psych-K® , Rob Williams, says this:
PSYCH-K® allows you to quickly and painlessly change subconscious beliefs that are limiting the full expression of your potential in life, as a spiritual being having a human experience. This includes your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.Rob Williams, Originator of Psych-K®
Psych-K® is just what I needed to find my way to a healthier perspective with my own feelings, thoughts, actions/reactions, and behaviors. I highly recommend and encourage you to try it out. I personally love it so much that I went to the Level 1 Workshop to get certified so I could do processes on myself and others. Now I am planning to go to the Level 2 Workshop to learn to do more advanced processes, and I am building a coaching program that works with it. Here is a short video to help you learn more:
3 – Create a Vision Board
The purpose of a vision board is to create a visual idea of what your dreams, goals, and your future would ideally look like in a perfect world. Essentially, if you imagine someone saying, “you can do, be, have or achieve anything you want today, all you have to do is use your imagination,” that is a vision board. Vision boards are not just for crafty people or people who have their lives together, as I once believed. For those of us who are less crafty or are “less likely to have our lives together,” there are apps and websites that can help us build a vision board.
I happened to come across this app on my iPhone that allows me to create a vision board that sends me constant reminders of my goals and future plans. The one I am using is, admittedly, the first one I came across called, “Perfectly Happy.” It turns out there are tons of these types of apps, if you are less crafty. There is a bunch of awesome articles related to the various apps for Vision Boards, but here are a few I found, and I encourage you to research it further if you don’t see something you like:
- Online Vision Boards: The Nine Best Vision Board Apps and Sites for 2022 – by Live Bold & Bloom
- 13 Exciting and Colorful Vision Board Apps to Try Out in 2022 – by Sorry on Mute
- Vision Board Apps – by Make a Vision Board
- 7 Online Vision Board Apps, Makers, and Websites for 2022 – by Founder Jar
4 – Do Something New
The worst part about this most recent breakup for me, was that I got sick with a terrible head cold at the same time. Talk about being stuck in the agonizing hell of post breakup torture!! This is why I challenged myself to jump on Pinterest, Google, anywhere lol to look for an activity, hobby or project I have never tried, to see if I could find myself a good distraction. There were hundreds of ideas, from decorating to blog marketing, fashion, organizing, makeup, haircare, blah blah blah. I tried a bunch of new stuff I never did before, and it was extremely fun.
5 – Create a Plan for Socializing
I used to be super social, until the pandemic, and now I am pretty comfortable away from people. While I am not ready to date again, I decided I wanted to search for new ways to make friends or business connections.
The new way to socialize is through apps (crazy right?!?). I used to think Bumble was specifically a dating app, but as it turns out, you can make new friends or generate new business using Bumble BFF and Bumble Biz, while turning off the dating feature. I downloaded the app and I have made some new friends and business contacts that have been keeping me busy and focused on my goals.
If you are looking for other ways to meet new people here are some additional ways:
- If you enjoy making music, join BandMix. This website connects musicians to one another.
- Join a gym, or attend a Yoga class or Zumba class (I know it’s cliche advice, but it can be effective)
- Head over to meet up and search for your interests to be connected to groups that like what you like
- Facebook Groups!!! Join a Facebook Group with people who like the same things you like.
There are many ways to meet new people. Whether you want to get out of the house or not, there is a group or activity you will find that will get you some new connections. This can help to overcome a broken heart and give you something to do besides sitting in your feelings all day, every day.
6 – Create a 30 Day Challenge
I have been working on challenging myself for 30 days to do something I love for at least 20 minutes. I play the piano and I have been learning to play the guitar, so I began doing a 30 day challenge to play the piano and/or guitar every single day for at least 20 minutes, with documented proof that I am doing it.
The 30 day challenge can be anything you choose. If you want to eat better, exercise, take pictures of something new everyday, etc., make a quick and painless commitment to do one thing for 30 days with documentation. Set a reminder on your phone, and everyday for whatever amount of time you are comfortable, and agree to do this one thing. Document it with videos, write about it, take pictures, scrapbook, whatever you choose so you can see the progress and dedication you put forth to do that one thing for yourself for 30 days.
I am almost half way through it, and I am loving every moment of it. I have moments when I feel sad, but I am noticing that my growth in this challenge is making me feel more inspired to be my best self, and it’s only taking me 20 minutes of commitment a day.
7 – Binaural Beats
Every single night, just before bed, I find myself feeling so sad about the ending of my relationship. This is when I want to cry or reach out to him, or I start to feel like I am a failure and I failed him. The first week was the hardest for releasing my grief, but I started putting on binaural beats at night as soon as I got into bed and I have been able to sleep a lot better since.
On YouTube, there are tons of long Binaural Beat videos with black screens to help you stay asleep through the night. The sound is very calming and helps me drift into sleep pretty quickly. I highly recommend these videos that I usually watch:
8 – Reinvention & Self-Reflection
Remember, when times get tough, “love” isn’t the problem, (we) people are the problem. When we were growing up, our parents/caretakers were the first examples of how to interact with men and how to interact with women. Some people have no mother, some have no father, while some have neither a mother or father who was present or emotionally available. The tragedy here is that very few people look into why they struggle with relationships or the coping skills to overcome a broken heart, and fail to see how the perceived relationships with mom and dad could be the main reason.
REINVENTION is one of the most POWERFUL ways to overcome a broken heart.
For some of us, we may reignite the relationship we lost by simply reinventing ourselves and becoming clear on what we see in our futures. Others may find someone new who turns out to be better suited for them. Either way, it is motivating to reinvent ourselves as we learn to overcome a broken heart. There is no reason to fear what the future looks like after you overcome a broken heart, because divine intervention, fate or whatever has given you the chance to pick yourself up and CREATE the life you always wanted, while getting to know yourself on a deeper level.
Reinvention is all about self-reflection. Do a visualization exercise and imagine yourself living the life you always dreamed of. Answer some of these questions:
- Where are you in your life? What do you do for work? Are you happy?
- Do you have a home? What does it look like? Where is it?
- Are you happily married? Falling in love again? Raising a family?
- What are your friends like? Do they support you? Do you feel loved?
- Are your parents around? Are they proud?
- Are you satisfied? Excited to have this life? Motivated? Determined? Are you ready to become this person?
Reinvention is a process, but visualization (and vision boards) are extremely helpful. I plan to write a post about reinvention and ideas on how to reinvent yourself, but for now, take the time to visualize your perfect life.
9 – Mirror Time
A good friend of mine told me after my recent breakup that the things triggering me about my ex, are a mirror of the things I have done or do. It really upset me to hear this because I felt he was being so disrespectful to me, but after I calmed down, I sat down and thought about her comments, looking for how I might have been disrespectful too.
He is showing me what I need to work on by treating me in the way he has been treating me. Those old sayings that urge you to surround yourself with positive people are trying to show you that who you are around will tell the story of who you are. We all want to be our best selves, and it’s never a bad idea to be kind to everyone, but who we hang out with are the people who teach us about who we are; if we would only pay attention.
A great exercise to determine the things you see in your ex that you may also have in you is to determine “what did they do to make you feel hurt, sad, angry, etc.?” and “what is the behavior you are seeing in them that you may have done too in a different way?” It turns out, I was disrespectful to my ex in the way I handled my anger, so I added, “I am always respectful of myself and others,” to my ULTIMATE list.
Write it all down. Everything that happened, how you felt, how you feel now, what that person’s actions, choices, and/or behaviors triggered in you, and how it all might be because of what you believe about yourself. I learned a lot about myself in doing this exercise while learning to overcome a broken heart.
10 – LAUGH
I remember reading somewhere that, “laughter is the best medicine,” and I know now that this is SO TRUE!! There is literally something, somewhere, that will make you laugh right now, even if you think it is impossible or pointless. I remember just 1 day after my ex left, I was so depressed and a friend suggested watching a random guy she follows on Tik-Tok. I busted out laughing and still laugh every time I see his videos now. I truly needed that laugh at that moment, and I began to realize how good it felt to laugh while looking for new ways to overcome a broken heart.
SEEK OUT LAUGHTER!! Literally anything that will remind you that you will overcome a broken heart and not be consumed by grief.
Jump on Tik-Tok, YouTube, Facebook, watch a funny movie or show, and/or Google funny memes because something will inevitably crack you up. AND When you start laughing, let it happen. Share the laughter with others. Here are the videos I mentioned that made me laugh way harder than I thought I could. Here are some of the videos that made me laugh (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE USED):
Tips to Overcome a Broken Heart Summary
There are a lot of great resources out there to help anyone overcome a broken heart, but I personally needed something different, and maybe you need something different too. These tips are not meant to replace the natural healing process that works for you, but they have been extremely helpful for me in learning to overcome a broken heart this time for me and could only enhance what you might have tried.
Remember to be gentle with yourself!
- How to Get Over a Broken Heart, According to Psychologists – Glamour
- 10 Tips for Healing a Broken Heart – PsychCentral
- The Practical Guide to Healing a Broken Heart – HealthLine
- How to Heal a Broken Heart When a Relationship Ends – VeryWellMind
- 5 Ways to Start Loving Yourself – Niki Maria
- 6 Core Foundations for a Lasting Long-Term Relationship – Niki Maria