It Hurts So Good …

Today, I had a hunch. Something has been off lately with my ex. In fact I kept avoiding the inevitable because I thought I would be devastated if I knew the truth.

It felt like my intuition was trying to tell me something. It was a question I knew the answer to but I didn’t want confirmation yet, especially when I was hurting so much before. Now I’m glad to have the truth, which he fucking sucks at to begin with and probably didn’t give me the full truth.

My ex has been talking to other girls. “But not dating, sleeping with anyone or anything super serious!” As he says. 😁

Right πŸ‘Œ well not my circus not my monkeys anymore! 😁

Truth is, we both have been moving on in small ways, but I couldn’t let go, so the decent guys I met I pretty much denied out of loyalty to my ex and our history. All while he was actually looking for another one to take care of him. See I can detach from the people I talk to, he is the type to build a strong intellectual bond first, make them fall for him, then take what he wants and eventually leave them heart broken and scratching their heads. I wasn’t special, I know that now, and I am good because he will never forget me. Just kind of wishing I realized what a hoe he is sooner but oh well. I have G because of that loser, and G is the cutest little guy. Eventually, we will be friends, but not until the red hot flames of disgust go away.

Here’s what happened. While sitting on the 32 hour plane ride home, I decided it was time to confirm what I already knew.

“I have a question?” I asked.

Then I asked him if he was talking to other girls. I know totally not worth the grief for most. For me, I needed to know so I wasn’t making up the story in my head. I already knew he was because that man is not as badass as he portrays himself to be. He needs someone to take care of him. He doesn’t want to be in love, he wants to be worshipped, and have someone be his mommy figure. He isn’t a super awesome catch and I realized I may have never actually loved him, because this should have hurt a ton more than it did, but it just didn’t.

As much as I truly hope he gets it this time with some stupid girl who believes he’s redeemable, he won’t because even the most effed up girls can only take that shit for so long. I did 5 1/2 years of that nonsense and honestly I feel like a Warrior Princess, I am kind or relieved to be moving forward finally. His whole life is surrounded by unhealthy coping skills and messy connections.

At first I felt like telling him off and crying (the shock was a bit hard to swallow), now I feel like I can breath for the first time in a long time. I don’t want it anymore. Especially once it’s been tampered with, I’m done! I will never trust him again so I now know what I have got to do. Besides he was honest but probably not completely truthful, I know I wouldn’t be if I was him. I have a tendency to be crazy. (Sorry not sorry, I love hard).

Anyways, I decided that my focus is going to be on my career and my kids. I will find what I need in a king when the time is right. I don’t want to rush and end up in a dog-shit relationship again with a guy who can make me feel special for a while then leave me broken when he decides to fuck with my money, my children, my family, me and my heart. Ugh no thank you. I just had to pull myself back up and this time I am keeping it together for good. Not just for me, but for my kids and all the people I am going to help with what I learned in Bali and what I believe I can and will do.

Let me share one thing I learned with y’all, never ever ever disrespect yourself by being with someone, or giving someone your heart, who can’t ever give a crap about you. When I say can’t, I mean my ex wasn’t capable of actually love. He can’t love anyone besides himself because it’s all he knows and he won’t fix it.

I have never felt so many negative vibes and so much disrespect in my life as I did from him. I actually told myself I would be open to being with him again if we could make it work after Bali, then I learned he had been talking to other girls, and I said to myself, “thank God! I am so grateful he was honest but I feel like I just shed 500lbs of emotional baggage and bullshit.”

Eventually I will let the dating posts begin!! I haven’t really done that in long time, I don’t know how funny or messy it’ll be yet. I’m sure this’ll be a fun journey when the time is right, but first, career and stabilizing my kids lives.

My priorities are my love for myself and my children so I never get ripped apart by another bag of shit again. This is a commitment to being truly happy and alive the way I deserve after being used. Finding myself and believing in me again was step one, now step two is getting into a routine. Fuck, it’s gonna be nice to love myself all the time! Plus nothing matters more my friends.


Self Love Time! Xo Niki
Niki Maria

Niki Maria

I am a student and I am currently studying to become a Neuropsychological Researcher. I have a passion for helping people find the strength to deal with life and love and sharing the stuff I am learning in school. I also absolutely love music, and while I am no Mariah Carrey or Beyonce, I love to write and sing my own songs for fun. It is awesome stress relief.


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