There is a point in time when I realized being bipolar is also another way of saying I am emotionally charged.
What is Emotionally charged to me? Basically, I feel the ups and the downs of life. Everyday we all face stuff, and I often allow the stuff to change my demeanor, my attitude, and my happiness. Thus, I slip into an episode.
While I call it emotionally charged, awareness of the emotional connections between the good and the bad “stuff” in life, the psychiatrist will argue that I have bipolar disorder.
Here’s the thing, I don’t believe that numbing my emotions, crippling my ability to think freely, or draining myself of my energy is worth the risk while taking medication. This is why I elect not to treat my emotionally charged self with medications, but rather I face the “stuff” and try to control my own reactions.
What “Stuff” am I referring to?
Right now in my life, there is “good” and “not so good” stuff. The good “stuff” is that I met someone who makes me smile from cheek to cheek. Someone solid and stable and wonderful.
The bad “stuff”, that keeps bribing me back to a shitty place, is the drama of “so-called” friends and baby daddies.
While I am overjoyed at the amazing man I am getting to know, my ex is becoming someone I literally don’t want to know and the other ex is finally less of a bother to me. It’s become so messy though. It’s emotionally charged!
Sometimes I wonder to myself, “what is the right thing to do,” but I almost never have to wonder to myself, “is there actually anything I can do?” Because most of the time there is always something I can do. Especially where my kids are concerned.
I am hoping I can say some prayers and find some clarity. Being content is the only thing I want for my kids and I right now. Especially after all that has happened.
